Letter to a Loved One

Sometimes I feel like I said lies to those people with tears in their eyes
They didn’t know you or see the changes you went through or the secrets you hid
I loved talking to you and hearing your deep, masculine voice tell me funny stories or sing off-key or answer the phone
I miss the “I love you”

I never grieved
But how I miss your compassion in a cold world
I miss holidays
and trips up north
and birthdays
and precious moments
that I later realize are so fleeting
I smell cigars and obsession and musk and it smells like you

My memories of you run deep
I remember the cancer cells you fought off so many times
But you only won the battle
The shell that remained lost the war

I loved you deeply but my brain doesn’t process how such an animated, lively soul still managed to perish from a mortal disease.
I spoke of you belief, but I was lying, because I don’t believe.

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